Photo by Peter Herrmann on Unsplash
I recently wrote on the challenges that single parents face as they seek
to raise a child or children single-handedly. I trust that single parents found the column helpful as they seek to bring up responsible citizens in an environment that has a lot of dangers for young people. This week I want to deal with the challenge of singleness whether with children or not. I do so because last weekend I spent a day speaking at a singles conference.
It gave me a chance to listen in to the struggles that single people face, especially those in the church.
Almost all the single adults at the conference were above the age of 30. Some of them complained about the habit of married people asking them when they would get married. This vexed them especially that it was females who were often asked this question. The people asking knew that it is not women who approached men for marriage. It was the other way around. Why ask them why they were not married yet? This was putting undue pressure on them. It is like asking a married woman why she was not getting pregnant.
Those who ask do so in jest, but it is being insensitive. Those who are guilty of this should repent and apologise for their insensitivity. It makes single people feel as if it is the only thing people notice about them their singleness. It causes them to feel out of place.
While that is one extreme to be avoided, there is another extreme to also be avoided. It is the tendency to pretend that there are no single people in the church who are getting on in years so that church leaders do not give them any help. That is also a wrong extreme.
The truth is that many people anticipate getting married in their 20s. When that does not happen, some feel as if they have gone past their “best before” date. They suffer from low self-esteem. It is made worse when their close friends get selected for marriage. Sometimes, the individuals they were temporarily in courtship with and who broke up with them go on to marry their close friends and appear happy in their marriages. They ask themselves, “What is wrong with me?” And, sadly, their parents ask them the same question!
Another situation that makes single females feel out of place in the church is when married women view them as a threat when their husbands give them any attention. It is as if they will go to bed with any man who shows them any attention. Who says they are desperate? Biblically speaking. singleness is not like life lived in a departure lounge of an airport where you are simply waiting for the next flight. It can be a very busy life because you do not have the concerns that often dog those who are married and are busy trying to raise a family.
This is why the apostle Paul in the Bible preferred a single life. He wrote, “I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things…” (1 Cor. 7:32-23). Therefore, instead of the church treating those who are single and are getting on in years as if they were patients needing to be pitied, they should be viewed as those who have extra time and can give their attention to the Lord’s work more than those who are married.
The church often needs extra hands to handle children’s work, youth work, short-term missions work, and so on. Single adults who are not entangled in courtship and marriage are a brilliant resource for the church. Use them. Let them feel fulfilled in the service of the Lord.
The church should also be a place where singles can have healthy relationships and deep friendships. Homes of single people can be quite lonely. By living together with other single people who share common values, these homes can be warm places to look forward to. In a world that makes it look abnormal to remain single as you get into your 30s and 40s, there is need for us to change this narrative. Yes, most people had their hopes dashed. It may not have been their choice, but it is God’s choice for them at least for now.
